May is mental health awareness month—a time to start thinking about ways to support ourselves and people we know with mental health challenges. If you are experiencing mental health issues,, you know how hard it is to express your feelings and concerns to others, which impacts your ability to seek the help you need. If you know someone with mental health issues, you need to be aware of the profound impact your responses have on that person.
In a society where we are working towards diversity and accepting individual’s strengths and challenges, why do we so often close the door on mental health? I’m not just talking about access to services, but about the lack of empathy and support from other people. When I have expressed my struggles or concerns to friends and family, I have been met with criticism, resistance and apathy.This may arise from a lack of understanding of the causes of mental illness and the impact it has on an individual, stigma associated with mental health issues or people’s difficulty discussing emotional concerns. .In my conversations with other people with mental illness, I’ve learned that we all have experienced inappropriate and hurtful comments made by people in our lives. Perhaps these comments were meant to be helpful, but in fact, they left the person feeling guilty, shameful, and inadequate.
I have received many of these hurtful comments. Here are my favorites that I’ve heard all too frequently:
“You survived so be grateful.”
“That happened a long time ago. Just forget about it and move on.”
“Other people have worse problems. Be grateful.”
“You have no reason to feel that way. Stop being dramatic and get over it.”
“Smile and maintain a positive attitude.”
“You need to try harder and you will get better.”
“Forgive and forget.”
Known as ‘toxic positivity,” comments like these knocked me down instead of building me up. They made me feel like I was a bad or lazy person because I was not getting better fast enough. They hurt so much that I stopped expressing my thoughts and feelings to others and repressed my feelings to avoid criticism. I had to mask my mental health challenges and pretend to be ‘normal’ in order to feel accepted. However, it didn’t result in normalcy or feelings of acceptance. Instead, it resulted in social isolation, difficulty making friends and sustaining relationships.I was stuck in an emotional abyss which put me in a dark place.
I did not ask to survive a terrorist attack or be a critical witness in a federal murder trial. If there was a do-over of my life, I would gladly omit these experiences. But, they happened, and trauma lives deep in your body and soul. You can’t wish it away. It takes time and a lot of fortitude to get better, and you never fully recover.
I realize that many of these toxic comments arise from a place of wanting to be helpful or supportive, but they don’t come across that way. The bottom line is that there still is a lack of understanding and acceptance of mental illness. People tend to ignore the feelings of others or trivialize them, suggesting that mental health issues are not real or important.
There were a few people who listened and validated my feelings with supportive comments.
“This must be hard for you.”
“I’m here for you if you need anything,”
“Be kind to yourself.”
“You are a strong woman.”
Comments like these made me feel accepted and supported, that my feelings were valid and that my comments were valued. My social anxiety was reduced and I felt better about myself.
My message to you is to choose your words carefully when you are speaking to anyone. You don’t know everyone’s past and what they’ve been through. You don’t need to supply a solution or intervention. Ignoring or minimizing a person’s expession of feelings can be damaging to the person who has opened up to you. Toxic positivity can heighten a person’s anxiety and depression and deteriorate a person’s trust in relationships. The best response is to acknowledge a person’s feelings and provide support simply by listening and staying present.
Starting this May, I’d like you to realize that words are powerful. Please evaluate your comments before saying them, and if you are not sure what to say, it’s OK not to say anything. Just be with that person and listen.